Today as a shit day, simple as that. I under delivered on something that I know I should have delivered on. In doing so, I left myself open to scrutiny, and rightfully so.
At the time my ego was dictating the narrative in my head and trying to place the blame somewhere else. My ego was passing the buck with every criticism, exposing its vulnerability and as a result it copped a beating.
This left me angry.
Actually, I was completely pissed off, but we’ll go with angry.
Now, I wasn’t angry with the criticism being dished out, nor was I angry with the lack of support by those that were meant to help. I wasn’t even angry with those that were providing harsh direction, some of which I didn’t agree with.
No, the only person I was angry with was me. I knew what I’d prepared wasn’t adequate, I knew I could have produced better work and I knew I didn’t put enough effort into ensuring those that were meant to help, did their part.
Once I’d let me ego deflate and look objectively and critically at my own work, I could see exactly what the critics were talking about. More so, I agreed with them.
For some time after I even felt a bit ill, but I knew that was my ego begging for a hug, but it can go and get fucked, it’s the one that got me into this mess to start with. It was my ego that said this will be easy. It was my ego that also said that I don’t need help and don’t need to clarify anything.
In simple terms, I let me ego control everything about my work and it delivered exactly what I expected it to.
I know what you’re thinking about now: “you’re being to harsh on yourself!”.
Sorry, but no.
If I know I haven’t done good enough, then its on me to recognise that and do something about it. I hate being in the position I was today. The last time that happened to me I made triple sure that it didn’t happen again. But, over time and with change, my ego has started to move itself back in. The clues were there, the selfish thoughts, the subtle arrogance, the odd socks in my washing (wait, what!!??!!).
In everything I’m doing, I let my ego regain some power and today it fucked me over.
So, now its time to get back to work and it starts with the basics.
Every action will be planned out, organised and have the intent identified. No more ad hoc, act without thinking bullshit. No more sub-par efforts. No more Ego circus.
We all let our ego control our actions from time to time, but when it impacts your results, then you have a problem. The more you become in tune with the sound of your ego talking, the more you’ll be able to control your actions. This in turn will allow you to control your reactions when faced with criticism. And once you get into that headspace, true growth occurs. You stop seeing every criticism as an attack and listen to what’s being said. Moreover, you’ll be able to use the criticism to bring improvement because your ego will be locked in the cupboard.
There will always be days when you’ve copped a kicking (figuratively speaking), we need these days in order to show us that we aren’t as good as we think. The quicker you realise that the happier you’ll be, honestly.
At the end of the day; Sometimes you’re the spider, other times you’re the bug.
‘til next time….. Cheers!