94. A Man’s Guide to Christmas Shopping.

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear, men don’t like shopping.

We do like browsing for specific items or rummaging through junk at swap meets. But these things are an extension of a hobby or passion and ARE NOT shopping.

Shopping is tedious and hateful; you have to wade through all sorts of nastiness at every turn and you haven’t even got past the people yet.

Parking in a decent spot is more stressful than driving under blackout in a warzone and no fucker knows how to park properly.

Everyone seems to stock a look of stuff but nothing you want, and when you do find it, its in a trolley of an old nana who is clearly trying to buy the love and affection of her grandkids!

(rattle rattle)

But fear not fellow men, I’m here to show you how it is done.

Here in lays my Mans guide to Christmas Shopping.

Let’s get started.

First things first, do your research.

Know who your buying for and what they like. If you don’t know these things, ask now.

Know what you need to get and where to get it.

Try to get as much stuff from the one place as possible.

Know you budget.

Or, for the simpler gent: know how much you can send on each person and how many persons you’re buying for and if they are boys or girls.

Then you need a plan. This starts with an old fashion list.

Things you need to consider here:

Who are you buying for and how many gifts for each?

Will you need to buy groceries as well?

Do you need to also get booze?

There isn’t much else you need to consider at this point, let not get too carried away!

(rattle rattle)

Now you need to consider the closing times for each place you need to go.

Why?

Because this is a night operation, so closing times matter and they need to be accounted for in your plan. Yes, doing Christmas shopping at night has its advantages, there is no better time to run this mission.

As you put together you plan, factor in time to go from place to place and give more time to the things you hate doing. Because, lets be honest, we can all pick our booze choices in a couple of minutes if we absolutely have too.

Try to align your movements so that you go in one big circle. Luckily most shopping centres are laid out so that it’s reasonably achievable.

use of the upper levels is vital to fast movement

It’s important that you stick to the plan and leave no room for error, here’s some things you need to consider.

Herd mentality – stick to the higher levels or near the quieter stores. You may even consider using the car park to get around, it can be quicker, just be mindful of lunatic motorists.

Do your research (which all good men do) – following this, you should know here your likely to have the most success with getting everything you need. Start there and move toward your ‘last resort’.

(rattle ratle)

Park on the roof – most people are lazy and don’t want to walk and have a fear of parking on the roof. Use this fear to get a good park that’s close to the exit.

Sustenance – Shopping can be hard and thirsty work, that’s why there’s so many cafes in a shopping centre. However, be mindful of the beer trap, the beer might look cold and delicious, but stick to the mission. If you need something, get a couple of doughnuts and a small ‘shit’ coffee, that should see you through.

Don’t take any shit – If you’re a solo man shopping at this time, you’re likely to some across a bitchy, nasty piece of work who wants all your stuff, mainly because they are too laze or stupid or both to find it for themselves. Have no piece of this shit sandwich. Be nice and humble and walk away, and if all else fails, flip them the bird and convert your trolley into a battering ram, just be mindful of collateral damage.

The success of this mission is in the execution, so remain focused and on the job. Be aware of your surroundings and know your exit strategy.

Remain calm, this mission will severely test your patience. We all forget how oblivious people can, especially those who are still up after their bedtime.

parking on the roof is the easiest option

(rattle rattle)

As with most things, the devil is in the details, so:

Get receipts for everything…… I mean everything….. that is everything….. everything…. every thing….. E V E R Y T H I N G!

If you need to make a more comprehensive list, then do it, just don’t leave it at home. If you can’t make the list on your phone, then take a photo of with your phone…. providing you can that too!

Don’t procrastinate, if you see something that fits the bill, then get it. Don’t hope that the next place has it, because chances are, they won’t.

Know your budget. This should form part of your research and planning, but if not, make sure you know it ahead of time. There nothing worse that buying everything you need, except for the booze, because you spent all your money.

And finally, smile. Most of the people around you have no fucking plan and barely managed to get out of bed and put on matching socks. Your miles ahead of them, make use of that advantage and siege the day.

So, as you can see, with some planning and informed execution, even us men can do the Christmas shopping. It isn’t hard, it’s just shit. But, as men, we can handle shit, so get on with it.

(rattle rattle)

Oh, and if you’re wondering what that rattling is, it’s just Bruce Willis making his way through the air-con ducts, because that’s he rolls!