There’re not too many experiences that man loathes as much as having to choose new glasses frames. Any type of shopping that doesn’t involve something with an engine (be it anything from an electric toothbrush to an airliner), things that are old and rusty, noisy things, shiny things or things with alcohol in them, simply don’t garner any support from me.
But my beef with reading glasses goes one step further.
It isn’t getting the eye test done, which includes that silly machine that blow air into your eyes. It also isn’t the intentional marketing ploys used by most eyewear stores. It also isn’t the fact that I always leave feeling more blind than when I went in.
No, my beef is with the styling of the frames themselves.
It seems to me that all the frames aren’t designed for a mans face. Which is ironic as all of them spruce to be “designer”, designed by who, a platypus?
Seriously, this is an issue, for several reasons:
- If you spend a lot of time in meetings like me, you may need to wear said eyewear on occasions and you want to leave a good impression, not have people leave thinking you’re an English teacher from the ‘80’s
- It turns out that no one considers the aesthetic impact that a beard has on one’s face, resulting in most frames making me look like a Dwarf extra from Lord of The Rings.
- I end up feeling like Goldie Locks, except none of the porridge is just right!
As a result, I leave hating all the frames that I’ve tried on, including the two pairs that I settled on.
There’s so much of the experience that really could do with a rethink, the order in which things are done doesn’t help the scenario.
For me, the scenario goes like this:
“Hi sir, come on in, first we are going to check your hearing”
“Now we are going to make this balloon intentionally blurry just to mess with your head”
“Next we’re going to puff a small amount of air into your eyes…..when I say small, what I mean is it will be a supersonic blast of air that will nearly blow your eyelashes off!”
“I can handle that”
“OK! Puff of air in 3,2…….”
“Wait, wait, wait, I can’t do it…..!”
“Next we are going to flash a light into your eyes that’s so bright that you won’t be able to see correctly”
“But wont that just ruin the rest of the eye exam?”
“Probably, eyes one wide sir”
“Jesus help me! I’m blind!”
“if you would like walk this way sir, we’ll take to you to see the optometrist”
“which way, I still can’t see…. Wait! you’re not the optometrist?”
“I treat this more like a hobby sir!”
“Hi sir, I’m Keith, your optometrist today”
“Are you the real optometric Keith, or another one of those hobbyist fuckers?”
“Can you read the bottom line on the board?”
“Which board, I still can’t see!”
“Excellent sir, your long-distance vision is good”
“Oh joy, when did we go outside?”
“Now tell me when symbol is clearer; 1 or 2 or are they the same?
“How about now?”
“Excellent, the eye exam is done”
“Cool, did I get an A+”
“So, the good news is you can still see”
“ok, and the bad news?”
“Both eyes are a little more fucked than last year, so you’ll need to come back to this very shop next year for another test and new glasses or you’ll go blind”
“Oh shit, I’ll make another booking as soon as I can see again”
“Very good sir, Karen here will help you pick out some frames.”
“What colour frames do you like sir?”
“Black or blue”
“Very good, what do you think of these pink ones?”
“No thanks just some simple black ones”
“How about these triangle glasses sir, they are very trendy at the moment and come in black?”
“Do I look like a trendy person to you?”
“How about these plain black ones then?”
“Now you’re talking”
“Would you like rose coloured coating with these”
“How about ballistics coating”
“Where do you think I’m going to be wearing these?”
“That all comes to a cost of three goats, your middle child and a freshly broken tooth of a blue dragon”
“I only have $100 on me, will that do?”
“That’s fine sir, thank you. Your glasses will arrive sometime in 2025”
“Why so long?”
“I’m pretty sure I said no to any coatings!”
“Thank you for coming in today sir, have a nice day, goodbye”
“Thanks! Now, can you just face me towards the door, I still can’t see a thing!”
And there you have it, the true and accurate, yet completely made up series of events that was my eye exam.
Granted, it’s a little embellished, but did you really expect me to write the truth!
You have to remember, I’m still blind as a bat!
‘til next time….. Cheers!